In a perfect world I'd be a stay at home mom.
I would also be a size 6, freckle free and have a rich husband.
But this is not a perfect world. So here I am, in all my size 10 glory, a 9 to 5 working mom with a 9 to 5 working husband.
Life's pretty decent and I get that I am at my place of employment for a season and a reason, but I must admit that it sucks a lot when I have to leave my baby with a babysitter every morning, and only get to see her again when it's dark outside.
I felt this even more so yesterday, when I had a particularly hectic Saturday and only picked baby up at 4pm. We then went to visit friends, where an aunty took baby for a bit to say hi and for some play time. A couple of minutes later, I spot aunty and baby, and I see my baby's head is down on auntys shoulder, as if she is tired. But she cant be tired. She's just had a nap. I then realized that my poor baby probably thought that I had left again and had resigned to just laying there, on auntys shoulder, until I came back. Oh my heart broke at the sight! I immediately went to get her from the kind aunty and when baby saw me, she was instantly full of joy and energy, so excited that mommy isn't gone after all!
I know that millions of moms all around the world have 9 to 5 jobs as well and their babys have grown up to be mentally sane and emotionally balanced and all of that. But this doesn't make it easier for me to be away from mine. With my first born I was ever thankful when someone took him off my hands, allowing me some free time to do whatever I needed to. But with this little one it's so hard for me to be away from her. I prefer staying at home with her, rather than going out. I've said no to many an invitation and have even declined hubstophers request for a weekend (or even a night) away from the kids. I'm not ready yet. Fortunately my husband is understanding and he is okay with this. And I've decided to be okay with it too.
I have had people tell me not to "spoil" her by holding, kissing her playing with her too much.
No thank you lady, I'd prefer holding and kissing and playing with my kid.
Her dad is crazy about her and she semi freaks out (good freak out) when she sees him. She gives him the best shrieks and belly laughs when he does silly antics for her. I will never ever deny her that.
I don't think it is "spoiling" her. I think that it is giving her a sense of belonging and security.
Her parents love her and we want to always make her feel that she is loved.
And you know what, she will only be a baby for so long and I plan to enjoy every single second that I have to spare, with her. I am okay with lavishing my love and attention on our little girl and I am okay with being selfish with my time. Our older kids have each other and yes, they also get the attention that they need, but obviously, since she is 9 and 12 years their junior, she requires a bit more. We all understand this. It makes sense in our world.
And hey, maybe one day Ill attend that party or go away for a weekend.
Maybe one day I won't rush home from work, just so that I can see her.
One day. But not right now.
No guilt here. No shame here. No unresolved issues here.
Just pure mommy-baby love and I'm going to savor it for as long as I can.